Why can't things ever be easy and go the way they are supposed to go?
M is about to finish up two weeks at rehab and the report we received on Friday was not so good.
I won't go into specifics, but it was enough to really make us say "what the hell?" Why is she so determined to screw up her life? Where have we gone wrong? What did we do wrong?
All of these thoughts are then replaced with OMG, we are just going to have to lock her up and throw away the key to keep her safe.
Now I know that is not reasonable and not going to happen, but as a parent you want to protect and fix things.
We go today for our first "visiting day". It should be interesting. She has no idea we have had the update and that we are beyond angry and scared. We have vacillated between all of us going or just David and myself. Do we expose the siblings to anymore of this crap or allow all three of them to see each other. They all three separately have made comments about wanting to see each other.
It should make for an interesting day.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Had lunch with a girlfriend yesterday who has been a very good friend through all of this and I can't thank her enough for all her help and support.
She has known M since she was 1 and we were neighbors down in my old neighborhood. We became good friends when are babies were little because our kids were the "spirited" ones of the group.
I was recounting a lunch I had had with another mutual friend and her worry about one her children not taking the right path. I mentioned how I felt bad because there was absolutely nothing I could say to reassure her.
I feel we have done all the "right" things when it comes to parenting my kids. I have always been very open about things, very vocal about addictions in our family, we have discussed drug and alcohol abuse and the consequences of early sex, etc. My daughter and I shared a very close relationship where she told me everything, at times more than I wanted to know, but look where we still ended up.
So no, I do not know what to say to anyone to reassure them that what they are doing is right or wrong or that their child won't take a similar path.
My old neighbor yesterday started reminiscing about M and what she was like as a child. M was born 2 weeks early on Christmas eve. Brought to me in the hospital on Christmas Day in a big stocking. She did not cry for her first two days and then hardly ever did after that. She nursed for 15 min. and was done for the next 3 hours. At two I was told she was a "spirited" child, imagine an electronic item unplugged but still behaving as if plugged in.
M lived without fear. She was always at the top top of the play scape, running down the sidewalk at full speed, standing up to anyone she felt was doing wrong and defending those she felt were being wronged. Always taking new challenges head on and again with no fear. Most of all, always ready and willing for the next adventure and where it would take her.
Because of this, we were surprised she didn't go off to college (or couldn't) but sitting at lunch yesterday I realized there is no surprise for me that she jumped in two feet first and with full speed into the drug world and took to it so quickly.
She has known M since she was 1 and we were neighbors down in my old neighborhood. We became good friends when are babies were little because our kids were the "spirited" ones of the group.
I was recounting a lunch I had had with another mutual friend and her worry about one her children not taking the right path. I mentioned how I felt bad because there was absolutely nothing I could say to reassure her.
I feel we have done all the "right" things when it comes to parenting my kids. I have always been very open about things, very vocal about addictions in our family, we have discussed drug and alcohol abuse and the consequences of early sex, etc. My daughter and I shared a very close relationship where she told me everything, at times more than I wanted to know, but look where we still ended up.
So no, I do not know what to say to anyone to reassure them that what they are doing is right or wrong or that their child won't take a similar path.
My old neighbor yesterday started reminiscing about M and what she was like as a child. M was born 2 weeks early on Christmas eve. Brought to me in the hospital on Christmas Day in a big stocking. She did not cry for her first two days and then hardly ever did after that. She nursed for 15 min. and was done for the next 3 hours. At two I was told she was a "spirited" child, imagine an electronic item unplugged but still behaving as if plugged in.
M lived without fear. She was always at the top top of the play scape, running down the sidewalk at full speed, standing up to anyone she felt was doing wrong and defending those she felt were being wronged. Always taking new challenges head on and again with no fear. Most of all, always ready and willing for the next adventure and where it would take her.
Because of this, we were surprised she didn't go off to college (or couldn't) but sitting at lunch yesterday I realized there is no surprise for me that she jumped in two feet first and with full speed into the drug world and took to it so quickly.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Why Worry?
The thing about addictions and dealing with someone who has one, is one never quite knows what to believe or trust. Past experiences are always floating around in your head playing with your mind and making it hard to know what to believe and trust.
Not hearing from M, brought up worries I didn't want to remember.
Three weeks ago before knowing what was going on, but my intuition kicking into gear, I had not heard from M in a few days. She was not answering her cell or her texts, she had the weekend off so I could not reach her at work and despite saying she would stop by to visit, she had not.
It was a Monday night, I was getting ready to board a flight to head out of town for a week of work and had not heard for 3 days. My last phone call to my husband was asking him to reassure me that I did not have to be worrying that she was in a ditch somewhere and him telling me to give her one more day.
I was reaching for my phone to turn it off before take off, and it rings. It is her and she is so sorry, etc. Had left her phone somewhere. Why didn't I question more? Going out of town didn't want to deal with it? Didn't want deal with what I was thinking????
Would it of mattered at that point?
Not hearing from M, brought up worries I didn't want to remember.
Three weeks ago before knowing what was going on, but my intuition kicking into gear, I had not heard from M in a few days. She was not answering her cell or her texts, she had the weekend off so I could not reach her at work and despite saying she would stop by to visit, she had not.
It was a Monday night, I was getting ready to board a flight to head out of town for a week of work and had not heard for 3 days. My last phone call to my husband was asking him to reassure me that I did not have to be worrying that she was in a ditch somewhere and him telling me to give her one more day.
I was reaching for my phone to turn it off before take off, and it rings. It is her and she is so sorry, etc. Had left her phone somewhere. Why didn't I question more? Going out of town didn't want to deal with it? Didn't want deal with what I was thinking????
Would it of mattered at that point?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 6
So another night gone by without a phone call. Not sure what to make of that. I hope it is because she is so busy and doesn't have time to call, but I also have to wonder if she is using her "phone time" to call others.
Do I mind that she is? Somewhat. Of the two people I know she would be calling, neither one is in a particular good spot of their own to be a good influence to help her. If anything, they have been huge enablers of hers.
Can't do much about it and I know this, but it still brings out the protective mother in me.
I recognize and acknowledge that all of this in the end is in God's hands and what will be will be, but my goodness it is very hard to stay the course with this belief.
I sure picked the wrong the 40 days to give up cursing. :)
Do I mind that she is? Somewhat. Of the two people I know she would be calling, neither one is in a particular good spot of their own to be a good influence to help her. If anything, they have been huge enablers of hers.
Can't do much about it and I know this, but it still brings out the protective mother in me.
I recognize and acknowledge that all of this in the end is in God's hands and what will be will be, but my goodness it is very hard to stay the course with this belief.
I sure picked the wrong the 40 days to give up cursing. :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
In the fog state
So, we are on day 4 of my child being away and it has been 2 days since we have spoken to her. I am still in a state of "there". How do I describe "there"? It is a mix of numbness, relief, hurt and most of all fear.
Having to put your precious child into a rehab program because they have chosen a path that is destructive to them, is not something I wish on anyone.
I am full of relief at the moment because she is at the moment safe and the drama that surrounds addiction is temporarily on hold. The numbness I feel is my minds ability to put the fear, sadness and anger I feel into a compartment that in itself is "away" for the next how many days she will be away.
What does this do for the ones left at home? Everyone reacts differently. One withdraws into themselves, another stays busy and distracted and another goes about life as if nothing has happened. We all act all these ways, but they stand out more in one or the other and none of them are right or wrong ways to behave.
The hurt one feels because they are hurt from lack of contact from ones they thought were friends, where the other understands that people don't like to associate with something that could very well happen to them.
What is always surprising are the acquaintances who you least expect and offer the love, support and prayers one so needs.
So, what is my purpose and goal with this blog? One, to have an outlet to vent. Two, to maybe help someone out there on the same path I am on and let them know they are not alone.
Having to put your precious child into a rehab program because they have chosen a path that is destructive to them, is not something I wish on anyone.
I am full of relief at the moment because she is at the moment safe and the drama that surrounds addiction is temporarily on hold. The numbness I feel is my minds ability to put the fear, sadness and anger I feel into a compartment that in itself is "away" for the next how many days she will be away.
What does this do for the ones left at home? Everyone reacts differently. One withdraws into themselves, another stays busy and distracted and another goes about life as if nothing has happened. We all act all these ways, but they stand out more in one or the other and none of them are right or wrong ways to behave.
The hurt one feels because they are hurt from lack of contact from ones they thought were friends, where the other understands that people don't like to associate with something that could very well happen to them.
What is always surprising are the acquaintances who you least expect and offer the love, support and prayers one so needs.
So, what is my purpose and goal with this blog? One, to have an outlet to vent. Two, to maybe help someone out there on the same path I am on and let them know they are not alone.
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