I am angry, disgusted, dissapointed, ashamed and proud!

So for the past several weeks my older son has been asking me to drop a class he is in because of several reasons, but mainly he does not like the teacher.
I have told him to suck it up, that is life and one is not always going to be around people they like but one has to learn to live with it.
His main issue with the teacher is that she has no problem with the students cheating, copying, etc. My son is not exactly mister goodie two shoes, but it has been pissing him off.
He also started to tell me stories about another boy in this class that kids liked to make fun of and that teacher never did anything about it. We are talking high school here, so I guess kids should learn to fend for themselves.
He came home yesterday with a new story.....
Seems that the class was giving out answers to a homework assignment when this boy was called on. He got the answer wrong. Other kids in the class started making fun of him, calling him out, telling him he was stupid and dumb, etc. The majority of the class got involved by either shouting along or laughing at him.
The best part???? The teacher went right along with it and even admitted to him being stupid for getting it wrong!
At this point my son had had enough. He told everyone to shut up and told the teacher she should be ashamed for going along with it. Everyone, including the teacher said it was only a joke!
A joke he asked? Does it look like ? is laughing? What happened next?
My son was called out for standing up for this boy and told he was a loser for doing so. When the girl next to him told him he was so lame and he could forget about being popular, he asked her why she went along with it.
"Look at him, he is nerdy and gross looking, why wouldn't I make fun of him?" WOW!!
At that point others called out that he was nerdy, etc. From the teacher? Nothing!

Why did my son stand up to this boy? Have I done a stellar job raising my son? No, it is because he has been the past victim of being bullied and nobody coming to his rescue. We have tried to tell him that "tomorrow none of this will matter".

I asked him if he minded if I went to the school about this. His answer? "What is the point, schools never do anything about it." You know what? He is right.

Bullying, in the media a lot, we hear about kids all the time committing suicide because of it. We had a beautiful girl last week here in Georgetown take her life because she was done with the abuse of not being "skinny enough".

Do I blame the kids? somewhat. Do I blame society? yes.
Do I blame the parents? For sure.
There is a high value placed on the fact that one is athletic, gorgeous, skinny, possess swagger, etc. Parents foster this in their kids as the way to be, but forget to tell them along the way that others may not possess this, but are just as special.

I am at odds with myself right now not knowing what to do. Go against my child's wishes and contact the school. Contact the mother of the girl in his class who I have know for years or will that not make a difference? Send a nasty note to the teacher. Or sit back and do nothing at all?

Bullying and teasing...has always been around. It won't go away, but the way we handle it and teach our children can change and should change.

What next?

Another trip tomorrow to go visit M. We will see what this brings.
We have not heard much in the way of how she is fairing, but again, no news is good news.
We get letters and cards from her and she seems happy. She is working the program and trying to get better. Only time will tell.
Her letters tell us of fellow roommates who have left and started using again, another one who tried to jump of the roof of the place, etc. Makes me wonder what the heck is going on inside M's head and whether she truly is ok.

I had a mild panic attack two nights ago realizing that we only have 30 days to go of the original 90. 90 seemed so far away and 30 seems like tomorrow. I am terrified of what this brings and what it means for M.

Hopefully we will come home with some clear answers.

Not much going on....

So it has been awhile since I have been on these pages and I suppose that is a good thing.
It gets really frustrating that we don't hear much from out west in regards to M, but then they keep telling me that no news is good news. I guess....

Easter. We were all excited about this date for a couple of reasons. One, M was going to be phased up in her program. This means she would be given more freedoms and one of them would be going out on her own. She was looking forward to this so she could attend church on Easter Sunday. She has already picked out which church she would attend. Alas, it was not meant to be.

M ended up in the ER that morning with a kidney infection and in a lot of pain. With it being Easter all the pharmacies were closed and only one does of antibiotics and pain killers were given to her at the hospital. She had to spend the next 24 hrs. in pain but maybe that made her stronger???

M was also not phased up for various reasons, so that means no phone privileges. This is upsetting to me because I was hoping to talk to her on the phone and hear her voice more often. Oh well. There are consequences in life!!

It is amazing how life goes on in the mist of turmoil and one must adapt. I wish I could say that I think of her constantly and pine away to hold her, but that would not be the case. Don't get me wrong, she is on my mind everyday but not like she was.

My family here at home needs me and that has come home in full force this week. I feel like I betray her by not thinking about her and the situation 24/7 but I know that is not true.

I finish my thoughts for today waiting for a response to my email about her and to get an update on all that has been going on. Time will tell.

Hope????

Just got home from a weekend in California visiting M at her rehab for a "family weekend".
This consists of families attending an all day workshop for two days with a therapist who teaches you about addiction, boundaries, recovery, etc.
It only takes being in a room with other families and addicts to realize you are blessed and don't have it quite so bad. Extremely sad!

We arrived Friday and had a great day to ourselves driving around, eating and actually going to the movies. Amazing what normal life can be. Our bubble was burst by David receiving a text from M's old boyfriend finally admitting he needs help and a phone message from M while in the movie that she was having a hard time, wanted to go home and was done with it. Of course we spent the rest of the night playing devils advocate with each other and imaging the worst. They had been in contact with each other, they were scheming, etc.

The next day, we finally got to meet up with M. She looked awesome. No longer my skinny strung out waif. She has gained weight, her skin and hair actually look normal and healthy and she had the biggest smile on her face. Beautiful.

Our worries from the night before that kept us up all night were for naught. She has not been in contact with her ex and has ignored all his communication, which leads us to believe he is panicking. Her desire to go home was in conjunction with her having her first strong desire to use since she has detoxed and been clean.

We got to spend a day with her and took a leisurely drive down the Pacific Coast Highway, eating lunch by the sea in Laguna Beach and ending up at Mission San Capistrano. I had been there before and it had had a healing/calming affect on me and my wish was for her to feel the same. Without me sharing my experience, she felt the same.

It was very hard to say goodbye, but we will see her again soon. She comes off of "house arrest" this week and will have some freedoms to move around on her bike and get phone privileges back to call us.

She is starting her healing process and it is a long road to recovery but for now she seems to be on the right path but I also now it is easy to be on a high when you are in the safety net of rehab.

For now I will take every positive one day at a time.

Ashamed????

So, it has been more than a week since I have posted and not much really has gone on except for Spring Break.
Spring Break was awesome. Went off to New Mexico to ski with my two boys and the Calem family. We had a blast. I believe that my boys needed this time and focus of attention on just them just like I needed to the time away.
My niece had her first baby, Anna on St. Patrick's Day. What a delight and God is awesome!
Why is my title ashamed? Well, other than a passing thought, M hasn't been too much on my mind this last week and a half.
I feel guilty, ashamed and good all at the same time. Very hard to explain and probably harder for someone not in my situation to understand.
David and I go out to visit her this weekend and maybe that is why I haven't been to consumed with worry. It has bothered me that we have not heard from her or her counselor but I am "guessing" that since she is no longer a minor they don't feel they need to keep us informed.

It will be an interesting weekend and hopefully we will gain insight into all of this. Not to optimistic, but also not too pessimistic.
We will see.

Up and Down

It has been awhile since I last posted and things have been going well. It is amazing how being busy in your own life can make problems seem far away.
We have no phone contact with M for the first 30 days, so we rely on the staff at the facility to answer our emails. It is really frustrating when all they answer with is "she is doing well". What? Are you kidding me? Don't you know who you are responding to? I need a whole lot more than that!!
I was doing ok with that and then we received a letter from M on Friday. It was a good letter, in fact a really happy letter and it warmed my heart to know she is doing fine and liking where she is at....for now.
My brother and his family who were in the area this weekend for a soccer tournament where going to go out of their way to visit today. They were excited, I was excited (to get some familiar perspective) and I couldn't help that M would be excited.
Alas, just received a call that she had done something to lose a privilege and visit was canceled. Bummer and sad all at the same time.
On a good note, off to NM for a skiing vacation with my boys. Much needed time with the two of them and much needed MOM attention for those two.

Hardest thing I have ever done....

Haven't blogged in a few days. A lot has gone on. To say that I am tired would be an understatement.
M was not doing well at the treatment center she was at and we had to find a new facility for her. The facility we found turned out to be across the country in California. In a whirlwind of 24 hours, we had her out of one place and she and I were on a plane and her checked in and me back home.

Her emotions were all over the place as one can imagine. It was heartbreaking to see her look out the car window and the plane window with tears silently streaming down her face. The car ride to the airport was even harder with her balling her eyes out while her two younger brothers on either side of her held her.

The first plane ride was hard. We changed planes in DFW and she was a little better. By the time we got to our destination, she was as good as can be expected.

She is in a beautiful place and somewhere she will get the help she needs. Having to say goodbye and walk away is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was leaving her somewhere unfamiliar, with people I do not know, miles away from us. She cried, I cried and made the director swear on his life he would take care of my baby.

My trip home was very surreal. I am numb again, but hopeful, but scared shit less, but positive all at the same time.

Every one's prayers and support have been amazing and so welcome. I cannot thank all of you enough and to let you know how incredibly thankful we are for all of it.

What do you do?

Why can't things ever be easy and go the way they are supposed to go?
M is about to finish up two weeks at rehab and the report we received on Friday was not so good.
I won't go into specifics, but it was enough to really make us say "what the hell?" Why is she so determined to screw up her life? Where have we gone wrong? What did we do wrong?
All of these thoughts are then replaced with OMG, we are just going to have to lock her up and throw away the key to keep her safe.
Now I know that is not reasonable and not going to happen, but as a parent you want to protect and fix things.
We go today for our first "visiting day". It should be interesting. She has no idea we have had the update and that we are beyond angry and scared. We have vacillated between all of us going or just David and myself. Do we expose the siblings to anymore of this crap or allow all three of them to see each other. They all three separately have made comments about wanting to see each other.
It should make for an interesting day.

Had lunch with a girlfriend yesterday who has been a very good friend through all of this and I can't thank her enough for all her help and support.
She has known M since she was 1 and we were neighbors down in my old neighborhood. We became good friends when are babies were little because our kids were the "spirited" ones of the group.
I was recounting a lunch I had had with another mutual friend and her worry about one her children not taking the right path. I mentioned how I felt bad because there was absolutely nothing I could say to reassure her.
I feel we have done all the "right" things when it comes to parenting my kids. I have always been very open about things, very vocal about addictions in our family, we have discussed drug and alcohol abuse and the consequences of early sex, etc. My daughter and I shared a very close relationship where she told me everything, at times more than I wanted to know, but look where we still ended up.
So no, I do not know what to say to anyone to reassure them that what they are doing is right or wrong or that their child won't take a similar path.

My old neighbor yesterday started reminiscing about M and what she was like as a child. M was born 2 weeks early on Christmas eve. Brought to me in the hospital on Christmas Day in a big stocking. She did not cry for her first two days and then hardly ever did after that. She nursed for 15 min. and was done for the next 3 hours. At two I was told she was a "spirited" child, imagine an electronic item unplugged but still behaving as if plugged in.
M lived without fear. She was always at the top top of the play scape, running down the sidewalk at full speed, standing up to anyone she felt was doing wrong and defending those she felt were being wronged. Always taking new challenges head on and again with no fear. Most of all, always ready and willing for the next adventure and where it would take her.
Because of this, we were surprised she didn't go off to college (or couldn't) but sitting at lunch yesterday I realized there is no surprise for me that she jumped in two feet first and with full speed into the drug world and took to it so quickly.

Why Worry?

The thing about addictions and dealing with someone who has one, is one never quite knows what to believe or trust. Past experiences are always floating around in your head playing with your mind and making it hard to know what to believe and trust.
Not hearing from M, brought up worries I didn't want to remember.
Three weeks ago before knowing what was going on, but my intuition kicking into gear, I had not heard from M in a few days. She was not answering her cell or her texts, she had the weekend off so I could not reach her at work and despite saying she would stop by to visit, she had not.
It was a Monday night, I was getting ready to board a flight to head out of town for a week of work and had not heard for 3 days. My last phone call to my husband was asking him to reassure me that I did not have to be worrying that she was in a ditch somewhere and him telling me to give her one more day.
I was reaching for my phone to turn it off before take off, and it rings. It is her and she is so sorry, etc. Had left her phone somewhere. Why didn't I question more? Going out of town didn't want to deal with it? Didn't want deal with what I was thinking????
Would it of mattered at that point?

Day 6

So another night gone by without a phone call. Not sure what to make of that. I hope it is because she is so busy and doesn't have time to call, but I also have to wonder if she is using her "phone time" to call others.
Do I mind that she is? Somewhat. Of the two people I know she would be calling, neither one is in a particular good spot of their own to be a good influence to help her. If anything, they have been huge enablers of hers.
Can't do much about it and I know this, but it still brings out the protective mother in me.
I recognize and acknowledge that all of this in the end is in God's hands and what will be will be, but my goodness it is very hard to stay the course with this belief.
I sure picked the wrong the 40 days to give up cursing. :)

In the fog state

So, we are on day 4 of my child being away and it has been 2 days since we have spoken to her. I am still in a state of "there". How do I describe "there"? It is a mix of numbness, relief, hurt and most of all fear.
Having to put your precious child into a rehab program because they have chosen a path that is destructive to them, is not something I wish on anyone.
I am full of relief at the moment because she is at the moment safe and the drama that surrounds addiction is temporarily on hold. The numbness I feel is my minds ability to put the fear, sadness and anger I feel into a compartment that in itself is "away" for the next how many days she will be away.
What does this do for the ones left at home? Everyone reacts differently. One withdraws into themselves, another stays busy and distracted and another goes about life as if nothing has happened. We all act all these ways, but they stand out more in one or the other and none of them are right or wrong ways to behave.
The hurt one feels because they are hurt from lack of contact from ones they thought were friends, where the other understands that people don't like to associate with something that could very well happen to them.
What is always surprising are the acquaintances who you least expect and offer the love, support and prayers one so needs.

So, what is my purpose and goal with this blog? One, to have an outlet to vent. Two, to maybe help someone out there on the same path I am on and let them know they are not alone.